There comes a time in most relationships where things begin to get a little, boring, sexually. Life invades; stress or worry can put your mind to things other than romance. Eventually, you have “the talk” with your partner about spicing things up a bit. Maybe you’ve even decided to try a few new things to see how they go.
But if you haven’t really ever broached the subject of kink in the bedroom, here are a few practical tips and guidelines to help you out.
First, we don’t recommend jumping into anything new without some serious thought behind the consequences of your actions. If you try something too fast or without enough prior communication, and it really goes badly, it could actually damage your relationship in irreparable ways. So we always recommend a thorough discussion or two (or ten!) and playing a bit of the “what if” game to see how you might feel later on down the road. Honestly, take a read as to one woman’s walk down the BDSM road for the sake of granting her husbands desires, and totally hating it. https://www.emandlo.com/comment-of-the-week-bdsm-destroyed-my-marriage/
BDSM can be a great way to connect with your partner, but it also comes with caveats. It’s not for everyone, and you may find yourself dealing with jealousy or another emotion you didn’t expect. So, proceed with caution, all you lovers! Buckle uptight, because I can guarantee this will be a very interesting read!
BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, and sadomasochism and it is often portrayed in movies and TV as dangerous games with bad people, or as a result of some sexual abuse as a child. Even prior to the release of the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and
Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders in 2013, participation in fetishism and sadomasochism was actually considered a mental disorder by health professionals!!! But thanks to ‘Fifty Shades of Gray,’ BDSM has gone mainstream.
So if you’ve thought about exploring your kinky side, stay tuned for some sage advice!
Start slowly and try simple things. Get tangled up in shibari rope together, make a mess of your bed sheets while painting each other with chocolate syrup, or try a soul-touching tantric sex + meditation session.
Take a quiz
Become ultra-comfortable openly discussing discomforts, consent, and limits during Aftercare. If you are having trouble talking or bringing up these things in detail, feel free to use an online sexual questionnaire like this one https://mojoupgrade.com/. You can each take the quiz separately, then discuss each one in detail, asking questions as you go along to better understand your partner’s fantasies and interests.
Praise your partner
Praise your partner for trying something new. Be grateful and appreciative that they’re trying, even if they ultimately decide that something isn’t for them.
Avoid pressuring your partner, they might be scared, feel compromised or something else. Give them time to try it a few times and then ask honestly if there was enjoyment from the other side.
What are the deal-breakers?
Decide what works and what is a deal-breaker. Whether it’s certain types of role-playing that turn you off, anal sex, or even just a foot fetish, if something isn’t working for you, it’s best to tell your partner.
Explore kinky things
Explore, explore, explore. Maybe you’ll enjoy voyeurism, spanking, orgasm restriction or sensation play. Maybe you’ll dig having your hair pulled or having to call your significant other “Sir” or “Madam,” or maybe you’ll like a bend over the knee and a hard spanking.
Safewords are critical. WE MEAN CRITICAL. Pick a word you won’t likely shout out in ecstasy, don’t use No or Stop, these words are too common. Maybe it’s a phrase that would definitely be out of place during sex. Maybe it’s something you hate, like German Mashed Potato Cakes.
Whatever. As long as your partner recognizes this.
Don’t rush things
Take your time. Ask your partner for an all-day play session and aim to please and wear them out! Once you commit to a day of sex and getting wild, you’ll feel like a new person! (Or at least an extremely tired one)
And finally, if things don’t work out, here’s a great way to tell you’re partner you’re just not into it: https://www.brides.com/story/tell-partner-not-into-sex-move
There are all kinds of health benefits to kinky relationships from stress relief to better mental health, improves intimacy and communication, but only if you make sure you are communicating!
So go on with your bad, kinky, self!